Without It All (I'm Choking on Nothing)
by peut-etre-poulet
Summary: Spoilers: EXODUS - Charlie/Claire; Charlie isn't enjoying his rock star lifestyle, but things start to pick up when he meets eccentric bookstore owner Claire Littleton.


**Title::..**Without It All (I'm Choking on Nothing)  
**Spoilers::..**Exodus  
**Rating::..**PG for mild drug references and mild course language  
**Genre::..**Fluff  
**Characters::..**Charlie, Claire and Shannon  
**Pairing::..**CC  
**Author's Note::..**I wrote this after I was typing a past fic and I realized how much I missed writing Charlie, for so long I had been stuck on writing Claire fics, so I kind of rediscovered his character for myself in this fic. It's set in a 'what if' universe where the plane never crashes but of course they meet anyway. Lots of snarky!Shannon and fluffy!CC. The title comes from lyrics in The Used song _On My Own_  
**Summary::..**Charlie isn't enjoying his rock star lifestyle, but things start to pick up when he meets eccentric bookstore owner Claire Littleton.

* * *

Charlie Pace was certain he wouldn't be able to see for much longer. It wouldn't take much more and he would be blind for the rest of his years. He was sure of it. There were no scientific facts to back him up and it was likely he was being overdramatic (which he would never admit to) but Charlie felt being in a rock band would result in him losing his sight. There were the stage lights, more than often shining directly into his eyes. Lady Gaga had gotten it right when she had made sunglasses a part of her look so she could wear them during performances. He would never know how much a pair of tinted glasses reduced the light. Most nights he closed his eyes to block out the shine and people took this as him being totally into the song. He couldn't escape the bright lights after leaving the stage. There were photo shoots the whole band was needed to pose for. The flashes blasted out, adding to the lights that were already set on them. The flashes followed him outside the studios. People were hired to follow him with cameras. Cameras with flashbulbs commonly held not too far from his face. Having a model for a girlfriend kept the paparazzi interested. Everywhere he looked there was an unnaturally generated light to greet him. He would consider himself lucky if he could see the birthday cake when he reached forty.

It was all about the music, that's what it had always been about. They made the albums and toured around the globe for the music. They loved the music and when they found people who loved the music as much as they did they had to share it. Drive Shaft had been started for them to be musicians; everything else that came along with it was a gift. Especially the attention.

Charlie knew all of this and yet sometimes he despised it. He hated the gruelling tours, the intruding press and the minimal down time. On occasion he did not like Drive Shaft, wished he had never started it and longed for a normal life. These were the occasions when cocaine slid easily up his nostrils, then he could concentrate on being an artist.

* * *

Shannon Rutherford was a model known the world over for her million dollar contract. Charlie knew he was one lucky bugger to be able to call her his girlfriend. There were men everywhere who fantasized about her, but he was the only one who actually got to have her. He should be getting down on his knees and thanking God someone so out of his league wanted to spend time with him. A supermodel; she was more than he had ever dared to hope for.

The only problem was Shannon knew she was too good for him. She never spoke of love or forever. Affection was only exchanged when she felt like it (or when a camera was pointed their way). She grew uncomfortable when he expressed his feelings for her, because she could not return the gesture. If he wanted her attention he would have to go to great lengths to gain it. She only treated him like her boyfriend when she was in the mood for a companion. She was drop-dead gorgeous but she was also a temperamental bitch a great deal of the time.

At first he had been totally crazy about her. The excitement of a new 'love'. He had been drawn in by her looks. They had been intoxicated by all of the attention the tabloids had given them. Looking back on it he thought he was in love with the idea of love rather than actually falling for her. It was a chance meeting with a physical attraction. It should have only been a fling, but they had stretched it out and now it had become habit.

Charlie was sure Shannon didn't love him. He thought she might not even like him. He felt the only reason she didn't break it off with him was because she enjoyed the press their relationship drew in. She knew she was better than him. She could have a lead singer, but the bass player had lower self-esteem, this made him easier to control. She didn't love him, instead she possessed him.

She was a part of the lifestyle he supposed. If he were to be a rock star he needed to fit the bill. He didn't want to go against the tide; such behaviour would piss Liam off. Despite he and Shannon having nothing in common he continued the charade. He went to her latest fashion show and sat in the audience like the perfect supportive boyfriend. It wasn't too difficult to withstand, a Victoria's Secret show, what wasn't there to like?

He was allowed backstage, where the models moved about. Things were much less glamorous off the runway. Profanities were flung from one side of the room to the other, they shoved each other angrily as they huffed and puffed. Cigarettes were lit and bloodied feet were revealed when the ridiculously high heels were removed. They had become human beings away from the lights, the perfect smiles and posture ripped away.

Shannon appeared tired when she finally came over to him. He couldn't understand why, to him walking up-and-down a metre strip really didn't seem terribly strenuous. His job hardly held the same simpleness. Other models that looked in her direction turned away with a sour expression, she appeared as glad to see them.

He greeted her with a smile. "Good evening lovely."

She didn't even attempt to match his enthusiasm. "Hey. What'd you think?"

"You looked amazing." He told her, even though he thought she already knew this.

"Thanks." She replied, her tone distracted.

"So do you still wanna go out for dinner?" He offered.

"Yeah, I'm so desperate for a cheeseburger I think I could kill someone if they got in my way of McDonald's." She said.

He nodded. "Alright, Macca's it is."

She rose from her seat. "Great, just gimme a second to get some clothes."

"What's wrong with what you're wearing?" He called out after her. This got the attention of the model stationed at the mirror beside him. He showed her a friendly smile, "hey". She didn't return the gesture. She stared at him with a confused expression before turning back to her reflection with a rolling of her eyes. She knew as well as he did that he did not belong here.

Shannon returned and linked her arm with his. The chauffeur was surprised when she told him McDonald's, it wasn't where they usually dined. Charlie knew it didn't matter where they ate the food never reached Shannon's stomach. She said she wanted a cheeseburger but she really only wanted the taste in her mouth, with none of the other consequences that come from it – just like everything else in her life.

* * *

There needed to be time set aside for Charlie to be his own person. A break from working to meet the role expectations of others. When by himself he didn't have to be the dedicated band member or boyfriend. He could relax and do whatever suited himself. He didn't need to worry about anyone else. It was the time to release himself, let out a deep breath.

When he got time to himself he moved as far as he could away from everything and everyone which placed a part of his day-to-day life. Today it was an independent bookstore. He was outside of Los Angeles, away from the flashing cameras and gated communities. He could sink into the crowd as he crossed the road here.

There was a bell hanging against the top of the door. As he pushed the door open it sang out merrily. An independent bookstore, these were a dying breed. No trademarked logo was presented across the top of the building. The carpet was not expertly cleaned and there was a limited amount of sponsors who wanted to couple themselves with the store. An individual outlay and the scent of donated books.

He was taking controlled steps across the carpet when he found he was not alone. At first he only saw her from behind. Her long, dirty blonde hair fell down her back in untamed curls. She wore plat-formed shoes on her feet while skinny legged jeans constricted her legs. He didn't make a sound at first. He preferred to go unnoticed as she packed up a section of plastic folding chairs.

When she turned around he saw the large orange-red lightning bolt dominating most of her features. Despite appearing to struggle with the stack of plastic chairs she smiled. "Hi, can I help you with anything?"

He smiled, unable to hide his amusement. "No, I'm just browsing thanks."

"Okay, let me know if there's anything you need." She said before beginning off, moving very unsurely. How many steps could she take before she dropped the pile?

"Do you need a hand with those?" He offered.

"That's okay." She dismissed, continuing to waddle along.

He stepped forward. "Look, I'm a man; I was put on this earth to do your heavy lifting for you. Please don't deprive my ego this chance to feed."

"Well I would never be able to forgive myself for doing such a thing to your ego." She replied. She transferred the chairs from her arms to his; he enjoyed the close proximity as she did so. "Thanks." She became less confident as he began to walk awkwardly, struggling to find a comfortable arm hold. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I got 'em." He said, trying to act poised but instead his voice betrayed the strain he felt.

"I won't think you any less of a man." She assured.

"No, it's fine." He replied. He straightened up and it was when he felt steady was when most of the chairs slipped from his arms. "How do you like them just there?"

She laughed showing her good-nature. "Why don't we each take half of the pile?"

"Oh yeah, you couldn't have thought of that until after I'd dropped the chairs and made myself look like a ponce." He said sarcastically.

She pushed the feather boa wrapped around her neck over her shoulder, out of her way as she scooped to collect the chairs. "Definitely not."

"I'm Charlie by the way." He informed her, following her to the storeroom.

"Claire." She returned.

"Great, now that we're on first-name basis can I ask if this is your usual attire?" He asked.

She laughed, stacking the chairs. "Well it was science fiction day and I thought Ziggy Stardust was the kind of science fiction everyone could enjoy."

"And how did the other participants feel about this?" He asked.

She scoffed. "They were all Star Wars nerds; they were just stunned to see a real-life woman."

He laughed as he came to stand on the opposite side of the counter. There was nothing else for him to look at but her. Her eyes sparkled; the colour was like the ocean on a clear, sunny day. As he was looking at her he could imagine how cute her face would be unclouded by the make-up.

"So I don't need any more help if you want to go look around and spend money." She told him.

"I'll see what I can do." He replied, leaving.

He walked along the aisles. There were so many spines, displaying titles to him. But he didn't pay any attention. He couldn't focus on the words presented to him. He was distracted by Claire's eyes. He didn't find anything too interesting. All of the titles he saw didn't stay in his mind. There was no room in his mind while it was so preoccupied by Claire.

After about ten minutes of aimless wandering he returned to the desk. She looked up from her computer. "I don't think I'm gonna get anything today." He informed her, feeling foolish. "But I'll be back for a better look soon."

"You better be." She said, attempting a frown. It was quickly replaced by a smile. "It was nice to meet you."

"You too." He replied leaving the store with his head in a whirl.

* * *

Charlie found himself transfixed in thinking about this girl. Claire. Her name attached itself to his brain and stretched out its feelers to grip his whole mind. Her confidence spoke for itself; he had never seen a girl dressed like Ziggy Stardust while at work before. Her carefree laughter echoed, effortlessly expressing joy.

She was a mystery. He wondered about her, trying to decode her. Who was she? Where had she come from? What made her tick? He was tickled simply by the possibilities. A pen began to interpret his thoughts. Lyrics were formed. He was wrapped in her smile, elevated by her laughter.

He sat around, wondering about her moving around in the independent bookstore. He pictured her long hair, swaying along her back. The day after he had entered there might be a shadow of the lightning bolt. How many books could her slender arms carry? She would float around the store under the florescent lights, with that pleasant smile on her face.

He had pulled on his jacket, collected his wallet and ring of keys. This caught Shannon's attention; she glanced up from her Cosmopolitan magazine. "You goin' out?" She was splayed out on the couch. Living together wasn't for the pleasure of sharing a home. It was the convenience of not having to travel across town to see the other. It was also the natural progression of a relationship.

"Yeah, just for a while." He replied.

She shrugged. "Yeah, I didn't ask because I wanted to know where you're going, I was just talking to hear my own voice."

"It's an independent bookstore; I didn't think you would be interested." He stated.

She laughed. "Yeah you're not wrong there Charlie boy. I'd tell you to have a good time but that's pretty much impossible in a bookstore." She was still chuckling over the thought when he closed the door on her.

Claire's mood was the opposite; instead of sarcastic and mocking she was thoughtful but just as friendly as before. Although he had disturbed her from her reflections she greeted him with a bright smile. It reached her clear blue eyes, genuine in her kindness. She was hopeful of what his visit would bring, rather than Shannon who decided to be bored before he spoke a word.

"Hey, welcome back." She said.

"Hey, I didn't interrupt any important thoughts, did I?" He asked.

"What are you talking about?" She returned.

"When I came in it looked like you were really deep in thought there." He stated.

Her confusion was replaced by a smile. "Oh, it isn't important." She changed the subject before he could pry any further. "I've got some water boiling, could I interest you in a cup of tea?"

"I'd have to be a bloody clueless yank to turn down such a spectacular offer." He replied.

She laughed, turning her back on him for the station behind her where she began to prepare the two mugs. "I didn't say this when you were here last time but there is something very familiar about your face. I swear I've seen you before."

"Yeah I hear that a lot, I guess I've got one of those faces." He lied.

She presented the cup to him. "Give me some time; I'm sure I'll figure it out."

He hoped she didn't find out. He preferred her not to know of his 'fame'. She might expect things of him and undoubtedly ask questions. He didn't want to talk about being a part of a band. He would prefer to forget all of that. Instead he wanted to discuss and purchase books – to lose himself in storylines separate from his own life.

Claire was happy to comply. There was no dress-up theme for today, but in a couple of days it was a full twelve hours dedicated to gothic horror. They began talking about their favourite books from the genre, before pondering how strict the guidelines of the genre were. He knew what kind of books she enjoyed, but nothing more of her own story. She knew how to keep him intrigued.

* * *

Charlie purchased a frozen yogurt. Upon arriving back at the apartment he presented it to Shannon, pushing a chaste kiss against her cheek as he did so. This stopped any questions of why he had spent three hours at a bookstore only to return home without a single book on his person. She didn't even notice, she ate her frozen yogurt without complaints.

He was already planning his next visit to Claire.

* * *

This time they were stocking shelves. A box of books had arrived five minutes before Charlie walked through the door. These weren't donated, 'pre-loved' books. These were brand new, brought to the store by a teenager who had decided to self-publish. A small profile picture of the author was displayed on the back of the novel, like an accomplished writer. There were thirty books needing to be unpacked and distributed in different areas of the store.

He was the perfect helper, helping Claire avoid any heavy lifting and keeping her from becoming bored of the tedious task with his witty conversation. She worked with perfect precision, there was a system set up in her mind and she could follow it without much concentration. She laughed without missing a single beat.

He couldn't help admiring her. She was so focused, but managed to give off a carefree air at the same time. "How long have you worked here Claire?"

"Two years." She replied. "Although it really doesn't seem to be that long, y'know?"

"What drew you to working here?" He inquired.

She paused from accepting the next book from him. "Are you some kind of spy? Did my boss send you in to snoop on my attitude?"

"No, I'm just curious." He replied innocently.

She shrugged. "I like books, it's pretty simple. My turn, what do you do Mr Charlie?"

"Eh, it's not that interesting." He dismissed. "We were talking about you, remember?"

She shook her head. "Huh-uh, this isn't a one-way street. If I tell you stuff about me you have to tell me stuff about you."

"So what have you heard about this book?" He inquired attempting to change the subject. She smiled knowingly before telling him of how she knew the teenaged author. She seemed to agree with the idea that talking about books was simpler than their real lives. This friendship was developing smoothly without the exchanging of any details. He had no complaints.

* * *

"Great news Charlie boy, we're going to New York!" Liam exclaimed.

Charlie knew he should be enthusiastic. The band was looking for any kind of break they could get. A guest spot on the world famous Late Show with David Letterman had the possibility of opening Drive Shaft up to a whole new audience. This could only spawn good things for the band.

Yet he did not feel anxious to get to New York, put on a great show and watch the record sales increase. Instead he was lamenting that the Letterman gig fell on the same Monday as Claire had organized fantasy dress-up day. He left her a message at the store giving her the pitiful 'something's come up' excuse. He couldn't go see her, Liam wouldn't allow it. They were to be rehearsing non-stop. They didn't want to look like a pack of wild monkeys just escaped from the zoo on Letterman's stage. This did nothing to improve his mood. Everyone put it down to him not wishing to be separated from Shannon.

He boarded the plane in LAX, not expecting to find any enjoyment at the other end. Fame and record sales seemed like such a trivial thing, compared to how he felt when with Claire. He couldn't care less about David Letterman at the moment. The rest of the band's enthusiasm easily masked this.

As he was playing 'You All Everybody' for what felt like the millionth time he never expected Claire would switch on the television and see his all too familiar face there.

* * *

Claire's behaviour was slightly altered when Charlie returned to the store. An eyebrow was raised higher than the other. Her smile not authentic as before. She seemed to eye him suspiciously. The comfortable air was missing. He felt as if he were under surveillance, having his every move studied.

"Any good new books in?" He inquired.

"Yeah, some new books but I don't know if they meet the standards of a friend of David Letterman…"

He furrowed his brow with an uncertain smile, acting oblivious. "What are you talking about?"

"Drop the act Mr I Just Wanna Talk about Books but Really I'm A Rock Star." She said. "I saw you, rocking out with Drive Shaft."

"Oh." He replied awkwardly. "I didn't know you watched Letterman."

She shrugged a shoulder. "I have trouble going to sleep, so I put it on, most nights I fall asleep before the musical guest. That night I stayed awake for some reason and saw you there. Imagine my surprise." She sounded annoyed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think it was important." He stated.

She scoffed, reminding him too much of Shannon. "Really? That makes no sense. I don't deserve to know who you are? I know you're not my husband but I thought we were at least friends."

"I didn't want to be the rock star around you; I just wanted to be myself." He told her.

"Were you ashamed?" She asked, slightly more sensitive.

"No, I was just over all of it." He replied.

"It's not like I'm a screaming groupie or anything." She stated.

He grinned. "You can't be too careful."

"Did you ever intend to tell me?" She inquired.

"I was going to put it off for as long as I could possibly manage." He stated.

She shrugged, dismissing all of it very simply. "It doesn't matter, so what if you're in a band? It's good for you but it doesn't have to change anything, we can still be bookworms together." She was standing right in front of him, he had only just noticed. "I'd like you to know that I really missed you. You may not buy any books, but you're still the best customer to walk through those doors."

He smiled bashfully then opened his mouth to say something. The words never formed, she stopped them by putting her lips to his. When she leant back he left quickly. But it was too late, she had already kissed him and he had let it happen.

* * *

"You can't be serious." Shannon informed him.

"I'm deathly serious." Charlie replied. "This has been over for such a long time but we've never admitted it. I think we should just admit it so we can move on with our lives."

She took it surprisingly well. "Whatever, your loss." But she still had to be the winner. "I'm outta here. Do me a favour and don't come crying back to me when you realize what a _huge_ mistake you've made."

"Do you want me to help you pack?" He offered.

"Shut it Hobbit." She snapped, exiting.

* * *

Charlie didn't worry about missing Shannon. Not for a moment. He had been preparing for her exit from his life for some time. He supposed in his mind he had been broken up with her for a long time. There was no theatrical moment where the ties were cut. Someone who had been fading into the background of his life for over seven months was now too far away for him to see. Having Shannon out of the apartment felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was like releasing a large breath from his lungs he had been holding on to for too long.

There were front covers dedicated to the break up. This made Charlie think the tabloids cared about the relationship more than he had. The paparazzi demanded comments from him but he put his head down and stated he had nothing to say. Meanwhile Shannon sold her side of the story and gained a handful of magazine covers barely a month later. Charlie didn't waste his time looking at the interviews.

Too much of his time had been spent on Shannon. He wasn't going to waste any more time 'mourning' the end of the relationship. He was ready to move on. Liam had the perfect solution: strip club. Charlie didn't find the idea intriguing at all. He already knew what he wanted to do.

There were photo hunters at the door of the apartment building. They wanted him to say something, to get a quote they could take out of context and tweak to their hearts desire. He kept his mouth shut and climbed into his car. The flashing blubs disappeared and he could concentrate on the road in front of him.

Claire stood back, frosted over by his absence. She glanced up at him then went back to the customer at the counter. The smile on her face was for the customer, not for him. He supposed he deserved such treatment. He collected a few books before he ventured to the desk, hoping this would help to thaw her slightly.

She was withdrawn. "I was beginning to think I wouldn't see you in here again."

"I'm sorry." He told her.

"Was kissing me so terrible?" She asked, her jaw set.

"No, there was something I had to do before I could enjoy kissing you." He stated.

She glanced down, unable to stay annoyed with him. "So it's done now?"

"Yeah, you don't have to worry about it; it's all taken care of." He told her.

She smiled. "You have no interest in these books, do you?"

"To be honest I couldn't even tell you the titles." He confessed.

She laughed. "I'm glad you're back."

"Me too." He grinned.

"I want you to kiss me." She told him.

His eyebrows jumped up in surprise. "You don't muck around."

"There's something I need to do first." She said, continuing on as if he hadn't spoken. "Can you come with me?"

"Sure." He replied without any hesitation.

* * *

Where Claire lived showed off her personality. There were individual pieces of furniture all around the flat. As opposed to artworks on the walls there were posters bearing the faces of musicians or promotional posters for movies she obviously enjoyed. Flowers bloomed merrily from their hand-painted pots.

Charlie inspected the framed photos on the walls carefully. There was no sign of an important boyfriend figure. Most of the photographs featured a young, blonde-haired and blue-eyed boy. He bore a strong resemblance to Claire. He thought it might be her nephew or perhaps a younger brother.

A woman with long, brown, curly hair sat at the dining room table. She was polishing off a slice of pizza when they entered. She smiled. "Hey, you're home early."

"Yeah, this is Charlie." Claire replied.

"Hey, I'm Kate." The woman told him.

"Hi Kate." He waved.

"Where's Aaron?" Claire inquired.

Kate jabbed her thumb over her shoulder. "I put him down for a nap a couple of minutes ago."

"Great, thanks." Claire replied. She crossed the floor to a door covered in the messy artworks of a child. She put her hand to the knob but glanced back at Charlie before turning it. "Are you gonna come?" Uncertainly he moved over to enter the dimly-lit room alongside her. A small form lay in the bed, matching the boy from the pictures. "This is Aaron, he's my son."

Charlie was shocked but he managed to act calm. "How old is he?"

"Just three." She told him. "Kate helps me take care of him during the day. I thought you should know about him, about all of me before you decided if you wanted to kiss me or not."

He put his lips gently to hers. "It'd take a lot more than one boy to scare me."

She smiled. "I'm glad you think that. If you're going to stick around I'd like you to be honest, no more avoiding telling me things. Honesty is what I need."

Charlie nodded, after how he had been spending his life over the past two years honesty seemed like a good idea.

**The End.**


End file.
